White American

November 9, 2016. Think about it for a moment. Recognize that this marks a day when people believing they are espousing messages of inclusivity and hope began to turn into the same people they believed they were fighting back against for a long time. Stay with me, and hopefully we can both agree on how absurd so many comments and thoughts have been over the past two days.

Let’s get a couple of things out of the way first: I am a white male. I grew up in rural Georgia. I am married and have a son. I received my undergraduate degree from Columbus State University and my Masters from the University of Cincinnati. I am the demographic many of you have decided to lump into one singular category since November 8, and the fact that you are relying on stereotypes and broad categorical labels is just as much of a problem now as any other issue present in this country. You are doing exactly what you accuse me of doing on a daily basis simply because I am not female, or a person of color, or identify as a non-heterosexual male. You are labeling, blaming, and lashing out at me without any legitimate reason, simply because I am different from you.

There are absolutely racist white morons in this country. There are issues that we face in this country that stem from the systematic oppression of others. There are plenty of things that you and I would agree emphatically on if we were to discuss things over a cup of coffee. There is one fundamental difference, however, in our views: I wholeheartedly believe that everyone is equal and that our society should be shaped in such a way as to make that clear, whereas I do not see that belief from you.

As long as we continue to separate ourselves from each other, especially through systems of classification and labels (such as African-American, white, or homosexual, just to pick some examples) we will continue to create and reinforce stereotypes and societal divisions that we will not overcome. As long as we view our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and strangers we encounter as “x label” instead of viewing them as fellow Americans, we are lost. As long as we blame others and find fault with them in some way, we have failed.

I get it. You're frightened because the person that has been elected to lead this country has shown us that he is misogynistic, authoritarian, homophobic, and bigoted. What you seem to be forgetting, however, is that judging or labeling others by any demographic is exactly the problem you feel you have been facing, and now you are responding by doing that very thing to me.

We are in this together. I'm scared of what the coming days, weeks, months, and years will bring as well. Let's start by looking at each other as fellow human beings and figuring out how we make a positive difference, from the ground up, in a country where we have (for far too long) looked for answers from the top down.

Waning Hope

I'm tired. If I discuss racism, inequality, or really any social issue, I'm ignored or told I cannot possibly know what I am talking about from my position of privilege (I am a white male). Instead I get to watch from the sidelines as wave after wave of rhetoric and uninformed drivel gets spouted at the American public as if there is no possible way any other view is worth considering, and watching the pendulum of bigotry and divisiveness swing from one side to the next.I truly hope that one day people open their eyes and understand the most basic concept required for us to be able to move toward an honestly better Society: labels and classifications of people cannot continue to exist, or we will always have issues with discrimination and inequality.As long as we reinforce the notion of self-identification with a particular group, we divide ourselves based on similarities to others. We create the very divisive structure that we claim we want to see eliminated. Unfortunately, many do not want to see these structures removed from Society. How else can a political nominee measure demographics to try to mobilize specific groups to vote? How else can an insurance company classify individuals to "customize" rates in order to preserve their bottom line? How else can social constructs negotiate for preferential treatment or special privileges? We have grown accustomed to the power struggles among groups of people, when we should be tearing down these constructs and forcing one simple question onto everyone: what is best for the human race?I certainly cannot claim to have all of the answers or to have a roadmap leading us from our current struggles to the promised land. I know, without the slightest doubt, that our first step is to honestly look at each other as equals instead of looking at the idiotic notions of separate classifications of people based on any physical trait. Unfortunately, as I get older, I realize the likelihood of seeing my dream come true becomes less and less likely with every passing year. Maybe, at this point, I have to just keep the world from changing me instead of hoping for change in the world.

Reflections

Gusts of cool wind wash over me as I lean against a large boulder. Gazing toward the horizon I watch the first rays of sunlight break through the treetops, dancing between the leaves and branches as it slowly pushes back the pre-dawn darkness. I close my eyes, relinquishing conscious thought and letting my emotions flow over me. I can still feel the remnants of years worth of wounds interspersed with the aches decades of simply living have produced in my body and mind, but I also feel something new. Something I struggle to identify as I let my mind begin to follow currents of thought once more. For the first time that I can recall in ages, for possibly the first time ever in my adult life, I feel waves of happiness, of completeness, of love and devotion, of loyalty and dedication, and a true sense of inner peace. My mind grapples with these feelings, unaccustomed as it has been to their embrace. I think back to prior retrospectives, to the pervasive thought that kept me going for so long: bloody, battered, scarred… I still stand.

For a long time I struggled with the concept of what it means to be happy, and whether or not the best I could hope for was simply contentment. I even allowed myself to accept such a fate, thinking it better to know and be content with myself than to hope for more than the concept of being at peace with myself. Even now I could debate the merits of whether happiness is truly a state in which we can exist or merely a label we apply to an attained level of mostly persistent contentment, but it is a discussion that should remain philosophical in nature for our purposes here.

Happiness caught me by surprise. I let myself build up defenses against others, regardless of their intentions. I isolated my mind and emotions to the best of my ability, refusing to open the tiniest crack of a window into my thoughts, my feelings, and even my hopes or desires to anyone who came along. Humor and sarcasm were my weapons of choice. Misdirection and the art of spinning a conversation into philosophical or sociological/psychological discussions became second nature. When those paths floundered or seemed not to work, I resorted to withdrawing from others either physically or mentally. I became a master at keeping myself hidden from others in the metaphysical sense, and even to my own thoughts and emotions at times.

One person managed to crack through my defenses, and I didn’t even see her coming.

I will never be able to express how thankful I am for that turn of events.

My eyes open as the warmth of the sun’s rays caress my face. Cool air fills my lungs as I take a deep a breath, turning my head to look at our campsite as I hear someone stirring. My heart skips a beat as I see her emerge from the tent, sunlight creating a halo around her head reminiscent of the angel she is to me. Even now I am awestruck by her beauty and grace, and a fresh wave of sheer joy threatens to overwhelm my senses.

In the deeper, darker corners of my thoughts and emotions I still struggle with the wounds of years gone by. Honestly, I will probably carry those forward for the rest of my life. Every so often the aftermath of the experiences I’ve had find their way into my life again, trying to pull me back into the abyss from which I struggled desperately to claw my way out of some time ago. It is a battle I no longer have to fight on my own, and yet it is also exponentially easier to repel those inner demons without anyone else’s help or support simply because of her presence in my life.

Finally, the unimaginable has happened. Not only have I found myself to truly be at peace with myself, even with the intrusions of my inner demons from time to time, but I have also discovered what it truly means to be happy, loved, and unconditionally devoted to someone whom I cannot imagine not having in my life.

Her arms wrap around me as we both watch the sun rise, briliant shades of red, orange, and yellow reaching ever higher into the sky. Her touch soothes the tidal waves of emotion running their course through me, and helps settle my mind once more.

Now, new experiences have presented themselves to us both. Only two short months ago, our son arrived and changed our lives forever. Just when I thought I I knew the greatest sense of happiness and contentment possible, I learned just how wrong I was to try to quantify the feeling.

It will be quite interesting to reflect back upon the ways things change during these next six, twelve, twenty months.

Thank you, Emily, for simply being who you are and being a part of my life. You have truly been an angel… the greatest gift I could ever imagine… and now we get to experience the greatest gift the two of us could receive as an entity in Jacob.

I only hope I can provide such an overwhelmingly positive impact on both your life and his as both of you have done for me.

Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Father

Apparently there are a number of things that seem to be known to the vast majority of parents, yet never seem to be shared with expectant/new parents until well after they have discovered the information for themselves. For example, did you know that a newborn can be perfectly calm and content... sleeping (or pseudo-sleeping at any rate) on your chest, and suddenly decide that it is the perfect time to emulate the ear-shattering, brain-numbing scream of the ancient Nacirema war priests for random ten minute (if lucky... three hours if you get the short straw and have a colicky baby) intervals? Yeah, that's not something people tell you about in advance...

Don't get me wrong, there are a number of great things about having a newborn no one ever manages to express either. For instance, the first time your kid smiles at you, you pretty much forget about how close you've gotten to wanting to send him off to military school/strangle him/give him back to the hospital and, suddenly, find yourself pumped so full of dopamine (and for all intents and purposes subjected to a form of lobotomy apparently, since you unexpectedly forget all the negative things that have been building and bringing you closer and closer to insanity over the past few weeks) that the kid could scream for an hour, pee through his diaper onto you, spit up on and down your shirt, and claw your neck with those razor-sharp talons that are supposedly fingernails, all at the same time, and you'd still just melt at the sight of that precious little smile.

Ok, that doesn't sound great, but you get the idea. So, I thought it might be a nice idea to put together a quick list of the things I've discovered that I would have liked to have had shared with me prior to bringing home a miniature human spawn. These are in no particular order:

• Negative - We already covered the ancient Nacirema war priest screams. This is really only one of a handful of truly dickish behaviors your child will engage in at some point over the course of the first few hours/days/weeks/months of life.
• Positive - Seriously, nothing can prepare you for the awe-inspiring power of an infant's smile. S/he can practically get away with murder at this stage. Instead of the Chewbacca Defense, I give you the Innocent-and-Happy-Smile-of-a-Newborn Defense.
• Negative - Babies do not breathe like normal people. Sometimes s/he will breathe in what appears to be a perfectly normal, regulated inhale/exhale pattern. Most of the time, though, there will be random pauses, sometimes wheezing, sometimes rasping, sometimes groaning, and sometimes just silence that will, at every possible opportunity, cause you to think your child is dead or dying. I wish I was kidding. This is, without a doubt, your child finding any possible way to pay you back for anything you have done in your lifetime to make others fear for your life, by a magnitude of thirty-fold, by the time they reach a year old.
• Positive - I'm pretty sure Heaven on Earth is the feeling of having your child lay on your chest and fall asleep, hands wrapped as far around you as they can reach. I don't even know what else to compare it to. Maybe being able to drink Jack Daniels constantly without any of the negative side effects, just the buzz? Oh, or maybe the rose scented farts of a diamond-skinned Unicorn? The point is, there just isn't anything else that compares.
• Negative - Babies do not have fingernails. Instead, they have razor-sharp talons of death that constantly claw at your neck and throat, trying to scratch through your esophagus and dig into your trachea with every Nacerima war priest scream. Yes, they're that sharp. ALL. THE. TIME. Even after cutting and filing them down.

These are only a couple of things that I didn't know before experiencing them firsthand. Naturally the positives are things that you really can't know until you experience them anyway, but the negatives are things that I could have definitely done with some forewarning about. I probably wouldn't have really believed anyone telling me those things anyway, but at least it would have been filed away in the back of my mind to be recalled when needed. There will be more to post, I'm sure. For now, though, it seems I must run. The mini Nacerima war priest is calling...